Friday, July 15, 2011

What it feels like to be depressed and out of control - real, not fiction.

Tres luces negros
Photo by Timothy K. Hamilton "Creativity+"
To give you a taste of the pain of mental disorder, here's the recent writing of a young depressed teen (published with her permissison and without editing):

I’m not getting better. I just realized that. All I’ve been doing these past few weeks is bottling it up again. All I do is cry at night.I don’t want to go back to the psych ward. I’m afraid to tell the therapist about how I really feel. I can’t triple my prozac intake as I’m already taking too much. What’s wrong with me?? Why am I like this? I TRY EVERYTHING. I TRY TO BE HAPPY BUT IT KILLS ME INSIDE I’M LITERALLY FALLING AGAIN AND THIS TIME I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GET UP AGAIN. I’m so scared of letting the people I know reall well know what’s going on with me. They’ll think I’m acting up or they’ll get sick of me. I’M SICK OF MYSELF. I’M SICK OF CRYING SO MUCH. I’M SICK OF THROWING UP. I’M SICK OF HURTING MYSELF. I FEEL SO GUILTY AFTER I DO IT. AND NOW I’VE STOPPED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’M SO UGLY, I’M SO STUPID, I’M SO UNAPPRECIATIVE, I’M NOTHING. I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER BUT BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT I’M NOT.I know I sound like some angsty teen, but this is honestly how I feel. I feel so much hate. I feel like I just want to rip out my skin and RUN. I want my Dad, and yet I don’t because if had really loved us he wouldn’t have done what he had done. What the hell is love? There’s no such thing, just an illusion. I used to be worthy of the illusion and now all I am is a burden, a reminder of pain, a trash can. I think I seriously might be going insane and I’m not overexagerrating If you know me personally, please don’t make a big deal of this. I don’t know what I will do if it does get out about me. I just need to take this out or I’d just…I’ll just go to sleep now. I can’t handle myself.

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