Feeling Blue?

Blue ridge mountains, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Depression is probably the worst thing we have to experience: little self-worth, no motivation, isolation, too much sleep, feelings that life's not worth living, not contacting friends, doing absolutely nothing, sadness, lack of JOY, guilt and remorse.
Just remember if you are in a depression that you have always, always come to the end of it, and that life returns to being worthwhile, enjoyable, meaningful, fun, and joyful.
One method I have used, whether "up" or "down" is to recite a positive "mantra". A Mantra is a sound, phrase, or words that are repeated over and over and over. Positive thoughts can conquer any mood you are in, provided you work to think the positive thoughts.
Here's a mantra that I'm currently using, you can make up your own to fit who you are or want to become:
 I'm the possibility of joy, joy, joy, joy
I'm the possibility of fun, fun, fun
I'm the possibility of Creativity
I'm the possibility of Transformation
 I've turned it into a little song, and sing it whenever I'm walking, or doing something like mopping the floor. Anything that doesn't take much mental concentration gives me a chance to think or sing these positive thoughts.
What are YOU the possibility of?

BP magazine - for Bipolar people

BP magazine - for Bipolar people, a photo by Just Sharing - Timothy K. Hamilton on Flickr.

If you've never seen or read this magazine, it is well worth the price of the subscription, in my opinion. BP does NOT stand for British Petroleum, but rather for Bipolar disorder. For those who don't know, Bipolar disorder is a condition where chemical imbalances in the brain can create mood swings of either euphoria or depression. During the "up" phase, also know as "manic" people tend to start more projects, have more energy, spend excessively, eat less, talk too much, don't listen well, take unusual risks, don't sleep as much, and more.
During the "down" phase, bipolar people are exactly like depressed people:  They isolate, don't do much, sleep too much, have low self-esteem, don't call friends, don't answer messages, don't do email, think of killing themselves, and don't find life worth living.
I could not find ONE magazine by searching Google that is strictly for Depression.  That's probably because when you are depressed, you wouldn't subscribe to a magazine, and wouldn't read it when it was delivered.
;-P
There was one magazine I found that focused on both Anxiety and Depression, called "Esperanza" which means "hope" in Spanish.  There are articles you can read on the web from this magazine.
If you click on the title of this post, it will take you directly to the online version of BP Magazine.  You don't have to spend money or subscribe to enjoy and benefit from BP Magazine.

Sunset: the end of a manic period

Sunset, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

I've been somewhere between euthymic and hypomanic for about four weeks now. My psychiatrist has worked very hard with me to manage this episode. I think I have changed my life significantly during this period. I haven't played a computer game in five or six weeks. Instead, I've been actually accomplishing things, including:
- applying as a volunteer photographer at the Missouri Botanical garden, and I'm told I will soon be one of 10 or 11 official volunteer photographers.
- I've started managing my time better and better, using Google tasks.
- I'm spending more time in devotionals and meditation
- I've been walking between four miles and six miles per day, eating more fruits and vegetables,
- I've lost 8 or 9 pounds in five weeks.

As usual, my biggest source of conflict is with my best ally and my most beloved person: my wife.
Because of talking with a Buddhist chaplain, I've made it a point in the last two days to simply go along with my wife, Grace, instead of fighting her will. The Chaplain suggested that when she thinks I'm well, I will be well, and to trust her in that. I'm trying.

What it feels like to be depressed and out of control - real, not fiction.

Photo by Timothy K. Hamilton "Creativity+"
To give you a taste of the pain of mental disorder, here's the recent writing of a young depressed teen (published with her permissison and without editing):

I’m not getting better. I just realized that. All I’ve been doing these past few weeks is bottling it up again. All I do is cry at night.I don’t want to go back to the psych ward. I’m afraid to tell the therapist about how I really feel. I can’t triple my prozac intake as I’m already taking too much. What’s wrong with me?? Why am I like this? I TRY EVERYTHING. I TRY TO BE HAPPY BUT IT KILLS ME INSIDE I’M LITERALLY FALLING AGAIN AND THIS TIME I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GET UP AGAIN. I’m so scared of letting the people I know reall well know what’s going on with me. They’ll think I’m acting up or they’ll get sick of me. I’M SICK OF MYSELF. I’M SICK OF CRYING SO MUCH. I’M SICK OF THROWING UP. I’M SICK OF HURTING MYSELF. I FEEL SO GUILTY AFTER I DO IT. AND NOW I’VE STOPPED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’M SO UGLY, I’M SO STUPID, I’M SO UNAPPRECIATIVE, I’M NOTHING. I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER BUT BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT I’M NOT.I know I sound like some angsty teen, but this is honestly how I feel. I feel so much hate. I feel like I just want to rip out my skin and RUN. I want my Dad, and yet I don’t because if had really loved us he wouldn’t have done what he had done. What the hell is love? There’s no such thing, just an illusion. I used to be worthy of the illusion and now all I am is a burden, a reminder of pain, a trash can. I think I seriously might be going insane and I’m not overexagerrating If you know me personally, please don’t make a big deal of this. I don’t know what I will do if it does get out about me. I just need to take this out or I’d just…I’ll just go to sleep now. I can’t handle myself.

I'm so happy I could dance!!

We Dance Because. . . , originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Last night at our young adult DBSA (depression & bipolar support alliance) meeting, I asked everyone what they would think of having a weekly meeting, instead of just twice a month. I got an enthusiastic as well as nearly unanimous "yes, that would be great!".
Then I said that in order to do that, we would need at least two more facilitators to be trained. Almost without missing a beat, two people volunteered, and a third said she could "pinch hit" on occasion.
So, I asked them to stay after class ;-) at the end of the meeting and the four of us sat down and settled on a time and place for a group training session. I want our second facilitator, Christina, to be there also, so share of her experience. I also have another member of the group I want to ask to join us , if he can.
That would mean a grand total of SIX facilitators! Which means great coverage, and the no one will get "burned out". It also means that we can have a weekly meeting, so no more wondering "is this the 2nd or 4th Tuesday?".
I'm delighted, and I could just dance the day away.

Don't let ANYTHING stop you.

Spring Fence, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

It is only when you want to accomplish something that obstacles appear.
When you are doing nothing there are never any obstacles.
Find ways around, over, under, or through obstacles.

FUN - a Puzzle

Puzzle, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Here is an easy way to remember my email address.
You just have to figure out the puzzle and add

@gmail.com

Hint: It is a sentence.
You can leave guesses in the comments. . first one to get it right WINS!!!

Hospital time, Join me if you can!

Hi, friends!
I'm in the hospital voluntarily, which I guarantee is the best way.  I'm only Euthymic, which means a little below Hypomania, which itself is less severe as Mania.
So, my Dr., my lovely and concerned wife, and I are trying to head this off at the pass.  It seems to be working, and it's still fun to be in the hospital if you are a little manic.  The only problem is that I almost have no one to talk to.   Let me diagram the situation:  d=depressed, ( is conversant, and CNP = crazy, nuts and psychotic.  So yesterday most of the day our section of the hospital looked like this:

( ddddddddddddddddddddddd CNP

Not much fun.   One person with whom I could have a reasonable conversation,  CNP who was often quite entertaining, and a bunch of people wandering around in a completely, seemingly mindless, depression.
Well, late in the afternoon of, both  Ms. Conversant an Ms. CNP departed, in quite different ways.
Ms. Conversant, was released, quite sad for me, and Ms. CrazyNuts in the arms of at least four people to an area devoted to people just like her.  There are many stories I could tell you about Ms. CNP, but the last straw was when she appeared in the lunch room to make a phone call to Mr. Nobody, with her face covered in baby powder, looking like a warrior from New Guinea (except for the nose bone).  Then she scooped off the whipped cream from her brownie, while at the same time dropping the brownie to the floor, continuing her non-conversation on the phone, and wiping the whipped cream on her chin.  That's when the troops arrived, and also when the Unit became very calm, lonely, and boring.
Fortunately, today, another Bipolar person has arrived, and though she is also an Apostle, knows when the world will end, and thinks I'm part angel and part devil (she may be right on that one), at least she's interesting, and will talk. . .and talk. . . and talk.
Fun in the hospital. . . very unlike the Diabetes or Heart sections, I assume.
I'll try to keep you posted !! Don't worry, I'm fine. . . all Manic-Depressives KNOW they are fine when they are up.
'-)
Sorry, no picture this time 'till later. . .flickr, facebook, my space, etc. are all locked out.

Retired Wooden Wagon Wheel

Retired Wooden Wagon Wheel, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Last year I had a hypomanic (somewhat less than Manic) episode which resulted in my hopitalization for about 10 days.  I was "released" on the 4th of  July.  It was a voluntary visit to the Psych ward at Barnes, just to adjust my medicine.  

This year, at exactly the same time of year, I'm Euthymic (below hypomanic, but still a little UP).  Since last year, my psychiatrist has taken me off anti-depressants altogether. I saw him last Friday, and the Friday before that, and have had phone updates with him yesterday and today.  I will see him again on Thursday.

My psychiatrist thinks we are ahead of the game this time.  I'm taking Seroquel (quells the Serotonin) at night and getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night.  I'm eating well, and controlling my cigarette smoking to 3-5 per day by forcing myself to walk 1 mile each time I have a smoke.

Many people who are very successful in life live in a constant state of Euthymia.  They are people who are friendly, gregarious, creative, and fun.

If I could stay at this level for a few months I'd get a heck of a lot of stuff done.  I'm more active on facebook than usual (my psychiatrist has forbidden me to do any more social networking during this time) as well as on my photography sharing site, flickr. Anyway, my wife is my closest ally, and helps me to know what is and is not appropriate.  My psychiatrist is working hard with me, and taking extra time.  Last Friday, he said "this thing (meaning Bipolar) is bigger than both of us".  But I'm doing everything I can to keep it from escalating.

Growing up

Photo by nogontrol "Going Native"  all rights reserved


Life could be a lot worse. . .what if you were turned into a tree???
We don't (and can't) always look on the bright side, but I thought this "shocker" would at least wake you up this morning!!
What you do with today is IMPORTANT.  Will is stronger than depression.  Will is the strongest tool you have besides love and hope. And keep faith that tomorrow WILL be better.  But you actually have to DO something to get there.

Sometimes when I'm up my life feels like fireworks

4th of July Fireworks Fair St. Louis over Old Courhouse, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

I have been hypomanic for about a month now. My Psychiatrist is working very closely with me to adjust my medicines. He saw me last Wednesday, then Friday, and on Sunday. Such care and dedication! And he knows that I take my medicines like clockwork. In fact, I was floored at the end of our last "conference". He said, "I admire you a lot, Tim". Wow, what a compliment. So even though my speech is a little slurred, and my mouth feels like Sub-Saharan desert, I keep on making the commitment to follow his plan exactly, and then reporting back the results. Total honesty is the best policy with regard to your Psychiatrist, your support person, and yourself.


4th of July Fireworks Fair St. Louis over Old Courthouse

manic management attempt - Chart

manic management attempt - Chart, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

I want my friends to understand (as much as possible) what I'm going through right now.

Most of my friends at Christ Church Cathedral do no know that I have the most severe type of Bipolar disorder (Type I). I never know how long these episodes are going to last, usually they last for only 3 to 7 days. On one occasion, in 2001, I had my worst episode which lasted 3 1/2 months and pretty much ended my working career.
There are 5 levels of severity. I'm currently at a manageable place somewhere between Euthymic and Hypomanic. If this is unfamiliar to you, you can read the text of this link from a worse episode in 2004.
The chart was a sincere but somewhat desperate attempt to both manage and document my "UP" phase.
This time, though I'm very focused and don't have irrational thoughts there are still symptoms you may notice in the next few days:
- excessive talking
- inadequate listening
- seeming overly excited
- blog entries that are too long. . like this one ;-)

I'm eating regularly, but my sleep pattern has been erratic for the last 8 days. I'm in close communication with my Psychiatrist, taking my medicine regularly, and making the necessary adjustments.
Please don't worry about me. I'm becoming more experienced at handling these episodes, and it will likely be over in a few days.
I have no more reason to be ashamed of my mental chemical disorder than a diabetic has of his or her condition.
I have told only a handful of people at Christ Church, because I like to wait until I know someone well enough that they don't see me through their preconceptions about mental illness. Rather, I like people to know about mental illness through the "filter" of knowing ME.
I facilitate a group for young adults who have depression, bipolar, or any number of ills. When I'm like this, I have to turn the leadership over to someone else. At least I'm responsible and realistic to do THAT.
Please pray for me, and I ask for understanding and forbearance.

Just Part of my list of 100 things that make me happy!!

Just for kicks you can make your own list. It comes in handy when I become depressed.  The list reminds me of what is important in my life, and also what cheers me up.  This is part of my "preparedness" or "safety plan" for times when I can't find anything in the world to get out of bed for. Yesterday, I saw # 13 on my list:


6) Snuggling with my wife.
7) Talking to a good Friend.
8) Taking photos
9) Lying on the grass on a warm, breezy day
10) Having hands and feet
11) Having eyes and ears
12) wiggling my toes in mud

13) watching a sensuous sunset

14) traveling – Period
15) becoming more self-aware
16) gaining insights into how people function
17) singing and playing my guitar
18) making music with others
19) singing with a good choir
20) listening to almost any kind of music
21) the sound of a brook burbling
22) watching a Blue Morpho butterfly fly past me
23) seeing a child’s eyes light up with delight
24) seeing someone be pleasantly surprised
25) looking at my sweetheart’s face (yes, that’s my wife).
Whew!!!!

leap of faith

leap of faith
Originally uploaded by jaki good.

Joy, exuberance, and drama. Being free from the past and from expectations.
Think about ways that you can take a leap of faith.

I can hardly wait to see you come of age

I can hardly wait to see you come of age
Originally uploaded by neloqua.

What do you love to do?

- Make a list today of the lings you really like to do.
- Post it somewhere you will see it frequently.
- Keep adding to the list.
- Put a checkmark next to the items as you do them.

Everyone has many activities or pastimes that they love. When was the last time you did a crossword puzzle, or flew a kite, or spent 15 minutes with a kitten? Have you read out loud to someone recently? Have your tried Sudoku?
Enjoy old things you love to do - and add new ones.

Devil's Den Falls

Devil's Den Falls
Originally uploaded by nailbender.

Water follows its natural course. . . always downwards towards the sea. It's something we can count on. Trust that life is like that, and that ultimately, even though you may get caught behind a dam, or in backwater, a swamp, or an eddy, your life will flow towards a fine end.
And be sure to enjoy the ride. . .

Colored Snow

Colored Snow
Originally uploaded by creativity+.

Sometimes on a grey and dreary day you have to color things up a bit. I spent two hours in the cold with my hands freezing, and it looked pretty bland when I brought the shot home.
So I thought "What can I do to make this brighter and more interesting?"
That's something we can all do in our lives at any time. It's about choice, and not simply putting up with our daily circumstances.

Color your bleak days in rainbow colors !!

One Tree Hill

One Tree Hill
Originally uploaded by creativity+.

How deep do your roots go? What are you doing to nourish them? Set aside some time each day to reflect, journal, read something inspirational, or meditate.
How high do your branches reach? If the sky is the limit, there is a lot of room for growth and development. Do something different today. . .get out of your rut.

The path ahead

On her way home
Originally uploaded by Sdgard.

Perhaps we spend too much time looking at the ground, or looking backwards. One of the gifts of being childlike is awareness, and a delight and joy about so very many things around us. Notice that, just outside the frame, someone is carefully watching this child. Someone offering protection, care, and Love.

Mixed State ?

Another touch of Blue
Originally uploaded by Arnold Pouteau's.

I'm not sure I've ever had a "mixed state", a combination of depression and mania. Maybe this is what it's like visually. Blue, but with some bright lights of excitement as an accent. Usually, I hear from friends that there is some anger mixed in. Not surprising, since an old therapist once remarked "Anger is the antidote to depression" (Mark Robinson).

Whatever state your mind is in today, accept it, rage against it, but be aware of it. Know that it will pass.