What it feels like to be depressed and out of control - real, not fiction.

Photo by Timothy K. Hamilton "Creativity+"
To give you a taste of the pain of mental disorder, here's the recent writing of a young depressed teen (published with her permissison and without editing):

I’m not getting better. I just realized that. All I’ve been doing these past few weeks is bottling it up again. All I do is cry at night.I don’t want to go back to the psych ward. I’m afraid to tell the therapist about how I really feel. I can’t triple my prozac intake as I’m already taking too much. What’s wrong with me?? Why am I like this? I TRY EVERYTHING. I TRY TO BE HAPPY BUT IT KILLS ME INSIDE I’M LITERALLY FALLING AGAIN AND THIS TIME I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GET UP AGAIN. I’m so scared of letting the people I know reall well know what’s going on with me. They’ll think I’m acting up or they’ll get sick of me. I’M SICK OF MYSELF. I’M SICK OF CRYING SO MUCH. I’M SICK OF THROWING UP. I’M SICK OF HURTING MYSELF. I FEEL SO GUILTY AFTER I DO IT. AND NOW I’VE STOPPED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’M SO UGLY, I’M SO STUPID, I’M SO UNAPPRECIATIVE, I’M NOTHING. I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER BUT BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT I’M NOT.I know I sound like some angsty teen, but this is honestly how I feel. I feel so much hate. I feel like I just want to rip out my skin and RUN. I want my Dad, and yet I don’t because if had really loved us he wouldn’t have done what he had done. What the hell is love? There’s no such thing, just an illusion. I used to be worthy of the illusion and now all I am is a burden, a reminder of pain, a trash can. I think I seriously might be going insane and I’m not overexagerrating If you know me personally, please don’t make a big deal of this. I don’t know what I will do if it does get out about me. I just need to take this out or I’d just…I’ll just go to sleep now. I can’t handle myself.

I'm so happy I could dance!!

We Dance Because. . . , originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Last night at our young adult DBSA (depression & bipolar support alliance) meeting, I asked everyone what they would think of having a weekly meeting, instead of just twice a month. I got an enthusiastic as well as nearly unanimous "yes, that would be great!".
Then I said that in order to do that, we would need at least two more facilitators to be trained. Almost without missing a beat, two people volunteered, and a third said she could "pinch hit" on occasion.
So, I asked them to stay after class ;-) at the end of the meeting and the four of us sat down and settled on a time and place for a group training session. I want our second facilitator, Christina, to be there also, so share of her experience. I also have another member of the group I want to ask to join us , if he can.
That would mean a grand total of SIX facilitators! Which means great coverage, and the no one will get "burned out". It also means that we can have a weekly meeting, so no more wondering "is this the 2nd or 4th Tuesday?".
I'm delighted, and I could just dance the day away.

Don't let ANYTHING stop you.

Spring Fence, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

It is only when you want to accomplish something that obstacles appear.
When you are doing nothing there are never any obstacles.
Find ways around, over, under, or through obstacles.

FUN - a Puzzle

Puzzle, originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton.

Here is an easy way to remember my email address.
You just have to figure out the puzzle and add

@gmail.com

Hint: It is a sentence.
You can leave guesses in the comments. . first one to get it right WINS!!!

Hospital time, Join me if you can!

Hi, friends!
I'm in the hospital voluntarily, which I guarantee is the best way.  I'm only Euthymic, which means a little below Hypomania, which itself is less severe as Mania.
So, my Dr., my lovely and concerned wife, and I are trying to head this off at the pass.  It seems to be working, and it's still fun to be in the hospital if you are a little manic.  The only problem is that I almost have no one to talk to.   Let me diagram the situation:  d=depressed, ( is conversant, and CNP = crazy, nuts and psychotic.  So yesterday most of the day our section of the hospital looked like this:

( ddddddddddddddddddddddd CNP

Not much fun.   One person with whom I could have a reasonable conversation,  CNP who was often quite entertaining, and a bunch of people wandering around in a completely, seemingly mindless, depression.
Well, late in the afternoon of, both  Ms. Conversant an Ms. CNP departed, in quite different ways.
Ms. Conversant, was released, quite sad for me, and Ms. CrazyNuts in the arms of at least four people to an area devoted to people just like her.  There are many stories I could tell you about Ms. CNP, but the last straw was when she appeared in the lunch room to make a phone call to Mr. Nobody, with her face covered in baby powder, looking like a warrior from New Guinea (except for the nose bone).  Then she scooped off the whipped cream from her brownie, while at the same time dropping the brownie to the floor, continuing her non-conversation on the phone, and wiping the whipped cream on her chin.  That's when the troops arrived, and also when the Unit became very calm, lonely, and boring.
Fortunately, today, another Bipolar person has arrived, and though she is also an Apostle, knows when the world will end, and thinks I'm part angel and part devil (she may be right on that one), at least she's interesting, and will talk. . .and talk. . . and talk.
Fun in the hospital. . . very unlike the Diabetes or Heart sections, I assume.
I'll try to keep you posted !! Don't worry, I'm fine. . . all Manic-Depressives KNOW they are fine when they are up.
'-)
Sorry, no picture this time 'till later. . .flickr, facebook, my space, etc. are all locked out.